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Does it matter if a guy is married but still looking for sex? If the guy is upfront about being married, not hiding it, should it matter? There are many people on this site (single & married) (male & female) who seem to just be looking for some NSA sex, so what should be the problem? I would think that would maybe even be desired if you don't want to get tied into anything. As long as you both know going into it of course.

So anyway, looking for opinions on the subject.

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UPDATE!!!!! UPDATE!!!!! UPDATE!!!!!
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Hello All,
First please let me say THANK YOU to all of you who have contributed to this topic by posting your thoughts and opinions. Very much appreciated to have such a great response. So thank you!

After reading through all the responses it seems clear that there is an over-whelming majority who are NOT in favor of having a sexual relationship with a married person, NSA or otherwise (without the spouse’s consent). There is a spectrum of opinion but if forced to answer either yes or no I think the numbers would be overwhelming for NO.

I can understand that and accept it. There is a lot at risk for everyone involved in such a situation, from STD’s, to money, to husbands (or wives) with guns. But I guess the biggest risk (depending on the situation) is the emotional toll. First for the spouse who finds out he/she is married to a person who has not been faithful; then for everyone involved (including the “other” person) and even for those not involved ‒ like . Any trust in a marriage will be lost immediately and once that is gone there is little hope for its survival. Years could go by before those involved recover from the emotional nightmare that could result.

So, I guess you all have the right and safe attitude if nothing else. You all have really helped clarify some things in my own mind. I do/did have reasons for being on this site, mainly a major lack of sex at home. But I guess as one person put it ‒ if I spent as much time at home chasing sex maybe I wouldn’t need to be here. Maybe…

I will refrain from listing my specific issues to avoid the appearance of trying justify why I would look for a sexual relationship outside my marriage. So I will say simply that I have decided NOT to look which in MY mind leaves me with the following choices:

1. push hard to try to figure out what is wrong with our sex life and try to fix it

Really there are no other choices. If this effort fails then the real choices remain:

1. stay in the marriage, watch a lot of porn and masturbate heavily
2. stay in the marriage, have a sexual relationship outside the marriage with all the associated risks involved
3. get out of the marriage and deal with all the emotional, financial and other damaging consequences of a divorce for me, my (ex) wife and .

So there is my humble opinion and response to all of your input.

I think I will be leaving my profile on the site (after some revisions) but only to possibly develop some friendships and to maybe come back to the well for some more opinions as my sex or sexless life unfolds.

Again, thanks to all of you who provided your opinions on this issue. And to be sure it is everyone’s opinion ‒ as the old saying goes ‒ opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. Right or Wrong and that is how we life our own lives.

Don

P.S. Sorry for such a looong post.

I have been the cheating spouse, I have been the spouse cheated on and I have been in my present relationship, which happens to be an open marriage. I have also seen many people, men and women, who have stepped out on their marriages. Many of them, including 2 very close friends of mine who are also regulars in this room have what I consider very legitimate reasons to do so.

But the reasons why anyone steps out of their marriage are their own personal reasons. Honestly, I don't fault them for what they do. They are simply looking for something, whether it be sex, intimacy, a friendly smile, being desired, whatever it may be that is missing from their own relationship.

For me and my husband, we have both decided not to participate any further than friendship with those who are stepping out on their marriage. The reasons are simple. Way too much drama potential and an innocent party (the spouse) could get hurt. We both choose not to be part of that.

A good many others are looking for that NSA sexual relationship and those are the one that will be seeking out married men and women. As for me, I am of the belief that there is always a thread or 2... For me, if my having sex with someone I am attracted to could potentially hurt another, I just plain won't do it. My own values.

However, since you brought up judging, don't judge me and others for the fact that we will not "do" a married person. Again, we all have our reasons...

After reading through all the responses it seems clear that there is an over-whelming majority who are NOT in favor of having a sexual relationship with a married person, NSA or otherwise (without the spouse’s consent). There is a spectrum of opinion but if forced to answer either yes or no I think the numbers would be overwhelming for NO.

I can understand that and accept it. There is a lot at risk for everyone involved in such a situation, from STD’s, to money, to husbands (or wives) with guns. But I guess the biggest risk (depending on the situation) is the emotional toll. First for the spouse who finds out he/she is married to a person who has not been faithful; then for everyone involved (including the “other” person) and even for those not involved ‒ like kids. Any trust in a marriage will be lost immediately and once that is gone there is little hope for its survival. Years could go by before those involved recover from the emotional nightmare that could result.

So, I guess you all have the right and safe attitude if nothing else. You all have really helped clarify some things in my own mind. I do/did have reasons for being on this site, mainly a major lack of sex at home. But I guess as one person put it ‒ if I spent as much time at home chasing sex maybe I wouldn’t need to be here. Maybe…

I will refrain from listing my specific issues to avoid the appearance of trying justify why I would look for a sexual relationship outside my marriage. So I will say simply that I have decided NOT to look which in MY mind leaves me with the following choices:

1. push hard to try to figure out what is wrong with our sex life and try to fix it

Really there are no other choices. If this effort fails then the real choices remain:

1. stay in the marriage, watch a lot of porn and masturbate heavily
2. stay in the marriage, have a sexual relationship outside the marriage with all the associated risks involved
3. get out of the marriage and deal with all the emotional, financial and other damaging consequences of a divorce for me, my (ex) wife and kids.

So there is my humble opinion and response to all of your input.

I think I will be leaving my profile on the site (after some revisions) but only to possibly develop some friendships and to maybe come back to the well for some more opinions as my seless) life unfolds.

Again, thanks to all of you who provided your opinions on this issue. And to be sure it is everyone’s opinion ‒ as the old saying goes ‒ opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. Right or Wrong and that is how we life our own lives.

Don

P.S. Sorry for such a looong post.

I chose to cheat. I cheated because my libido was higher than his. I cheated because I just wanted to feel wanted and desired. I cheated for the thrill of it. But when it was all over, when the orgasm had long passed, when I was back home, something happened.

I couldn't look in the mirror. I couldn't face myself and I hated myself for hurting someone else.

This is why I will not cheat again and this is why I choose not to be a part of it.

The question then is, can you face yourself?

I happen to know 2 people, both women who are in a marriage that the sex stopped long ago. Both of their husbands are extremely ill, one is terminal. They are both on here trying to find what they can't have at home. They cannot leave their spouses, not being sick. And even they, given their circumstances, have both confided that they have some guilt for stepping out of the marriage...

Again, the question remains, can you face yourself?

So without making a second & third effort I probably wouldn't be able to face myself which brought to my decision to make the effort. If after a true effort... well I guess I'll just cross that bridge when I get to it.

Thanks agian for your thoughts and support!

Reading all of the previous posts gave me some of the insight I've been seeking for for a long time.

I'm married, I'm the cheater. Honestly though, my wife could be cheating and I couldn't care less. We stopped having sex a long time ago. We stopped being friends a while ago. We even stopped fighting recently. Blah, blah, blah...

The question then becomes...Why do people (okay ME) stay married.

The short answer is all of the posted reasons and more. I think most people are resistent to change. How many people do you know who are in dead end jobs because it's comfortable? How many abused spouses stay in their marriages because they're afraid to change the status quo?

When there's history, even the dumbest excuses can become plausible. Kids are the low hanging fruit, but I argue that whether you stay in a bad marriage or split up, they're fucked.

One of my lame excuses is that with the current economy, I don't want to sell my house under it's market value, and I can't afford it by myself. But, she's sure as hell is not getting it.

Also, no one in my family has ever divorced, and with my father starting to decline physically...well it's just another reason to stay together..for appearances.

Gee, I can't even believe my own bullshit. Sometimes I think I truly am an asshole.

All I know is that I joined this site because I thought some intimacy might help me through...life. My current life. That's an oversimplification, and I do understand there are others (hopefully) to consider.

All of your wonderful insight has helped me already. Like StockUp, I'm re-thinking my reasons for being on this site, and will "come back to the well for some more opinions as my sex or sexless life unfolds".

Thanks for reading this, and my apologies for the length.
Matt

Bowler, welcome and happy to have you join us. I don't think this chat room is quite the same as the corner bar, fewer booze induced rants. Here you're likely to find many others in or have been in similar situations. I found this thread to be very intersting and honest.